Have you hugged your God of Death today?
by Spacebutt
Summary: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's mind should do the trick. He breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.
1. lo bak goh

**Summary: **In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

**Disclaimer: **Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

**AN (other stuff you ought to know about): **Knowing me, this will most definitely end up with yaoi tinges here or there, or bucketfuls of the stuff. You never know. And a general dislike towards Miss Peacecraft. That's all I have to say.

* * *

**Have you hugged your God of Death today?**

**Chapter one: …_lo bak goh_**

* * *

**10:20 am**

Same time, same place upon my bed of imaginary nails and completely bored shitless. I swear that my life never changes and this is coming from the spontaneous meister. Even short sheeting the guys' beds has lost its thrill. Gods' above, what is the point of all this?

**10:30 am**

I think I'll start learning Chinese just to annoy Wuffers. That would keep him busy and it would be a nice surprise for him as well. I'll head down to our local Chinese restaurant later. Mr. Chu should be able to teach me a thing or two. I'd appear intellectual. More so than that bint, Relena.

What the hell is she doing, sitting in our living room anyway?

**10:32 am**

Oh, Heero. Duh.

**11:00 am **

It's alright now. I managed to push her limo down the hill while her new, oldish chauffeur has having a smoke. I told him politely and with ever so much courtesy that cigarettes cut off twenty years of your life and it seriously harms unborn babies. I'm surprised he's still up and running actually. He should have kicked the bucket a decade ago. Oh well, I'll be sure to arrange that.

I bet his sex life sucks though. I have that victory over him.

He laughed nasally as I informed him of the health hazard. "And this concerns me how?" he replied snootily, which is wrinkly peoples' language for "sod off".

I looked at his round abdomen accusingly. "You know that male pregnancy is generally looked down upon by most countries and, face it, you totally have a bun in the oven."

Maybe if I continue baiting him as such, I trigger a heart attack due to excessive smoking.

**11:06**

No such luck. He gave me a withering glance that clearly said wtf. "Why don't you go play with your action figures?" he said rather nastily.

Trust me, I would. I'd get Deathscythe to stomp on his head. Ah well, doesn't matter.

I finally heard the long awaited car horns blaring and a crash. Crossroad at the bottom of the hill.

Whoops.

"Hm, must be an accident," I intoned casually. "What kind of idiots drive today huh."

The wrinkly driver ignored me and tapped ash off his ciggie. Absolute rudity. I sorta tilted my head to see the accident better. "Would you look at that? It seems to be a pink limousine stuck underneath a cement truck. If I didn't doubt your watchdog like qualities, I'd say that was Miss Relena's car."

Halfway though a drag of smoke, he stopped with his eyes bugging out like nobody's business. It was then he noticed the significant absence of the monstrous pink tank.

Run down the hill wrinkly driver. Run.

**11:13**

Oh God, he's arguing with four heavily muscled builders wearing suspenders now. I wonder how they're getting on.

Hopefully not too well.

**11:15 **

Ouch, that didn't look pretty.

**11:24**

Am I not kind? I got an ice pack for the poor ancient driver. He ought to be happy that I'm looking after him.

**11:26**

I got him a wheelchair as well.

"I better be quick with this," I told him seriously as I levered him none-too-gently on to the chair. "Mrs. O'Brian will be wanting this back soon."

**11:27**

Of course, not that would matter to him, seeing as he was unconscious from being smacked repeatedly with a spade.

**11:32**

Gods, he's heavier than he looks. I'm puffing up the hill already. You'd think he eats rocks for breakfast, followed by some anvils. Maybe I should have stolen Mr. McJock's crutches instead. Then I could have slapped wrinkly here awake with the ice pack and he could have made his own way up the damn hill.

**11:42**

Dumped him outside our house and returned the wheelchair back to old woman Mrs. O'Brian. I was tempted just to let wrinkly roll down the hill again to see what would happen, but decided it would be too much of a bother to push Mr. Weigh-a-ton back up again.

**11:49**

He makes a rather fetching addition to our front lawn. He compliments the daffodils very well. I say we leave him there.

**12:01**

Strolled inside whistling the happy song in my heart. Only to be greeted by the blonde weed polluting the atmosphere inside the living room with her _odour ala _manky _body_. Shall I never be spared from the company of the evil pink witch?

She blinked prettily at me. "Duo, I'm staying over for a few days, is that quite alright?"

Apparently not then.

I bit back a scathing reply but was unable to hide the dirty look that crossed my face. I had to shrug and turn around quickly, before she could see me cross my eyes with distaste. "Sure sure," I said, flapping hand around. Why was I flapping my hand around like a retarded bird? "But you may wanna check on your driver outside. And your car as while you're at it."

I could almost hear the mascara laden eyelashes slam together in a confused blink. Ehgahds, she could trap a large spider with those eyelashes. "Why?" The pink sugar was still in her voice.

"You'll see."

I sound positively evil.

**12:14**

Everyone came rushing down to see what the matter was when she shrieked inhumanly outside. What's that she's shouting to her unconscious driver?

**12:16**

Oh, it's "Botolf, you're fired. I hate you."

**12:20**

Who'd name their kid Botolf? Sounds like a porn moniker. Like Botolf Phukzalot.

**12:22**

Ahahahaha, I crack myself up.

**12:32**

I reign supreme! She's decided not to stay! She's just putted off into the distance in one of those removal truck things with the squashed limo trailing behind it. It looks like it's been stepped on by a Gundam. YES.

Nice save. The guys are very happy with me. Even Wuffers. Even when I told him that Relena was very _lo bak goh_. He laughed his head off, so I'm gathering it's…a good thing?

**12:45**

Apparently, as I've been informed by 'fei... Relena is a cake made out of Chinese turnip.

**12:47**

I see some truth in that.

**12:50**

Note to self: _do not resort to using Chinese takeaway menus as a learning aid._

**1:02**

Why are the dishes written in Chinese anyway? It's not like anyone can read them.

**1:15**

Just found out that 有什么意义? is Chinese for '_What is the point?' _Haven't a clue how to say it though. I'll ask 'fei later.

** 1:17**

It looks very pretty though.

* * *

**AN: **Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, because I'm the extra crispy bucket of stupidity. Reviews tell me if this is a waste of time or not by the way. I'm quite happy to leave it as it is. Which would be a shame because I have a fab idea, which includes sheep. You DO want sheep...don't you? 

Next Chapter: _...It'll be on the news_


	2. it'll be on the news

**Summary**: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

**Disclaimer**: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

**AN: **Oh I'm on a roll today. Ideas zoom towards me like flies towards an old, sweaty man. But then again, we don't tend to see flies hovering around old sweaty men.

* * *

**Have you hugged your God of Death today?**

**Chapter two:…he's just possessed by a retarded ghost**

* * *

**1:56 pm **

**My bedroom window**

Just watched Botolf the Porn Star stagger off into the distance with great difficulty. Wrinkly bumped into a lamppost here and there, but I give him points for managing to cross the road safely.

Lucky that the lollipop lady was there to shove him out of the way of yet another cement mixer.

**1:57**

Good old lollipop lady! That was a fabulous dive that she performed.

**2:15**

Sitting in kitchen, polishing off donuts. Quatre just got a phone call from the pink wet weed. She's demanding to know whether I caused the ultimate demise of her pink car.

'_Wa Cao,' _I sighed and watched in amusement as Wuffers spat out his drink. "Gimme the phone."

"Hello?" The witch spoke.

"_Sha gua. Sui Mai. Fei Lei!" _I said sharply.

"What?"

"Eh? Oh sorry Miss Relena. I was talking in Chinese. What's wrong?"

"Oh, I was wondering whether you knew what really happened to my car. My _retired _chauffeur told me that you had something to do with it."

"Miss Relena, I am very hurt that you believe that I'm the cause of this."

She didn't answer. Obviously she didn't care whether my heart had been shattered to bits by her unfeeling accusations.

"However," I said brightly. "I am pleased to inform you that you are completely correct in your suspicions! Well done!"

She hung up on me. Totally typical.

"Maxwell," Wufei said from the table, trying to feign casualness. "You do know what you just said, correct?"

"No," I said cheerfully. "Do enlighten me."

**2:27**

As well as Relena being a Chinese turnip cake, she is also a retarded melon, a pork and shrimp steam dumpling and a sexual molester. Wuffers might be trying to pull my leg, but counting on my Chinese skills, I don't think so.

**3:02 – five minutes later**

Phone rang. "Hello?"

"Mr. Maxwell, I'm am not a melon! Or a dumpling." She hung up.

**3:03**

I can't believe it. I can't believe that she got someone to translate it. Either that or she used the google language preferences.

I love Chinese. Even if it does sound slightly messed up when I'm trying to speak it.

**6:14 - Early Evening  
**

Trowa came back from the supermarket with a small smile on his face.

"You are aware," he told me as we put the groceries away. Trowa had once again bought a lot of greens and not nearly enough meat. Why must I be subject to his vegan habits?

Back to being aware. "You are aware that there are pictures of you in the supermarket toilets," he said, putting the broccoli in the fridge.

"Huh?"

"There are pictures. Of you. In the supermarket toilets." He paused. "And the Costa bathroom. And the hardware store. And the toy shop. In fact, pretty much everywhere has at least one picture of you."

What was he doing in the toy shop? "…Trowa, what were you doing in the toy shop?"

"There were pictures of you posted in the McDonalds as well."

Right, I'm off. I left the valley of boredom, walking on the warpath of doom. I had a very slight suspicion of who exactly would waste time tacking unflattering pictures of someone they dislike in public places. Ohhhh, I am ready to really really hurt Relena now. She probably paid people to do it for her. She's a lazy ass with a wide forehead.

**6:16**

And rather masculine eyebrows. You must admit that her eyebrows look like a furry blonde caterpillar that's been superglued there by mistake.

**6:35**

I've had a look at the pictures. She's posted piccies or your's truly around with boring, but still truly unflattering comments underneath. From _'I wonder if Duo Maxwell still likes nature, despite what it's done to him' _to _'Duo Maxwell's not stupid, he's just possessed by a retarded ghost.'_

How lame. How very lame. And dull too. She doesn't have an ounce of creativity. Not a single ounce. If creativity was dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow sand out of her furry caterpillar.

Ha ha.

**6:37**

Har di har di har.

**6:39**

Shit! I've just realized that Heero's not gonna be happy about this. This is the sort of thing that can get me killed! And us tracked down.

I shall have us relocated and Relena assassinated as soon as possible.

**6:42**

I'll have to leave her a farewell present then, won't I?

**6:45**

Why won't these people stop staring at me? Oh, the pictures. Right. I ripped down one which declared, _'Duo Maxwell sucks in bed.' _

**6:47**

I am disgusted by the prospect of _her _knowing whether I suck in bed or not. Thank you very much. How does she know? I have about as much sexual experiance as Botolf Phukzalot, the Porn Star.

**7:20**

"Guys, sorry I'm late! I had some business to attend to." I shut the front door behind me. A lovely, wholesome, veggie meal was laid out on the table.

As I sank into a seat, Quatre said, "So, what happened in town?"

"Oh nothing really. Relena idiotically posted a few comments about me, along with a picture and a name so that's most probably going to get me fucked by OZ."

Everyone had stopped eating. "Shit," Wuffers breathed.

"Exactly," I agreed. "We'll have to move house soon then, which totally bites. But on the brighter side, we have at least another month escape from Relena before she tracks us down again."

"We won't have to worry about that," Heero said rather darkly. "I'll just kill her and have it over and done with."

As much as I'd like to rid the world of her existence, I panicked slightly as Heero did sound as if he was truly going to do so. There was a funny little glint in his eye and his fist tightened. Ah Heero. He carressss for me in a lurvly way.

"No need no need," I said, doing the retarded bird flap with my hand again. "She's already got the message."

The others doubted my sanity and ability to think rationally so Quatre felt prompted to ask, "How?"

I leered rather scarily. "It'll be on the news."

**8:00 **

The lady on the news was standing outside the Peacecraft mansion or whatever it's called. There was a huge crowd of people standing by the gates, pointing at something in the front lawn which we couldn't see. "I stand here at the site of a notorious prank played on Miss Relena Peacecraft, a figure well known for her pacifist views."

The camera panned in on the blonde bimbo speaking tearfully to some policemen. "Earlier on this evening, an anonymous person posted a large box addressed to Miss Relena. Inside the box was a large, lifelike model of a decapitated sheep head…wearing a party hat and a party hooter lodged inside its jaws. The box also contained several party plates and cutlery which left Miss Relena rather traumatised.

"Along with the head, the prankster also stuck about seven hundred plastic forks into the grass of the front lawn." The camera revealed rows upon rows of forks lined up, stuck in the grass like soldiers. It looked like that army out of starwars.

"The purpose of this is unknown. But the anonymous sender will have to watch out as police will no doubt soon have an idea of who is behind this."

**8:03**

Oh just you try, PC Plods. I covered up my tracks darn well, but I know that Relena will attempt to rat me out. Too bad for her that we're leaving soon.

**8:14**

I found myself explaining to the guys how I managed to get a model of a sheep head complete with warm, smelly, fake blood. "Mr. Chu is a great guy," was my explanation. "And I told you guys it was dangerous to get me bored."

"Maxwell, you are evil," Wufei said, looking slightly disgusted. "But the onna deserved it."

Everyone agreed.

I hope Relena has fun pulling the forks out.

**8:17**

I hope Trowa won't hate me for imitating the corpse of one of his animal friends.

**8:34**

She called. "Maxwell, is this your idea of a sick joke?" she shrieked down the phone.

"Yes," I replied, wondering where this was leading.

She hung up. What was the point in that?

**8:36**

I wonder when she'll find out that I planted marijuana in her backyard as well.

**8:37**

In the shape of a twelve foot smiley face.

**8:39**

I also hope that she tries to burn the sheep head.

I filled it with insect attractants. Once the buggies get a whiff, nothing will stand in the way of them and that head. Hornets especially love that stuff.

I predict that she'll be hospitalized by the end of it.

**8:45**

Oh well. Packy packy packy! We're leaving tomorrow so she can't call me to complain about the hornet problem. Ahahahahahahahaaaa! I am leaving the valley of boredom! At last! I must pack.

* * *

**AN** Maybe it wasn't sheep in the same sense as you were thinking. I was planning for it to be a real sheep, but was totally disgusted as I wrote it so it became Wally the Wax sheep. 

Thank to my reviewers: **Serenity Maxwell**, **WingScythe** (I shall continue!), **Yanagi** (Er...I don't know actually. Think of it more as a Brainlog which updates almosts every five minutes.) and **Chocolateriku**. You guys most definitely rock.

Next Chapter:_...What if he has RABIES?_


	3. what if he has RABIES?

**Summary**: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

**Disclaimer**: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

**AN **I have returned with a lot of ideas. Ah ha ha. Be afraid. By the way, most the events that take place in this story, have some basis in my real life. (Well maybe not most of them, but quite a few. I'll leave you to guess.) Sorry for not updating as fast since I was away in London getting chatted up by _too many_ desperate people. _-shudder_-

* * *

**Have you hugged your God of Death today?**

**Chapter three:…what if he has RABIES?**

* * *

**  
6:23 pm  
In kitchen - molesting the fridge **

Packing was unbearably boring. So was unpacking. This house absolutely bites butt since it is small, creepy and friggin freezing. It is so cold that I've tried to sit in the fridge to warm up. But it was already full with Trowa's broccoli. I swear that he's like Broccoli Boy.

**6:24**

Ahahaha. Broccoli Boy, that's a good one. I think I might call him that now.

**6:27**

I also got the fright of my life when I turned my head away from the broccoli and saw some chicken wings. '_Yum,' _I think. Then realize that they are actually a bit _different _than the chicken wings that we usually eat.

They were pinky pink, for one. And they had…webbed feet?

"Oh God," I said aloud, quite sickened. "That isn't-"

They were.

"QUATRE!" I hollered, leaping back from the fridge like a leaping thing. Like a frog in fact. Or like frog _legs._

Ehgahd.

**6:29**

Here comes Q-man down the stairs, eyes wide with terror. "DON'T TOUCH THE LEGS," he bellowed and he tackled me.

Next thing I knew we were fighting over the cellophane wrapped plate of frog legs.

**6:31**

Has he used the Zero System again? It would certainly explain his manic behaviour.

**6:32**

Oh Gods. What if he has RABIES?

**6:34**

Quatre tugged viciously on the plate and it flew out of my hands. And out of his as well. The cellophane ripped.

'_Oh bloody hell,' _I thought.

The plate went sailing through the air, almost in slow motion. You know, like in movies. When the juice of the meat also flies through the air, s-l-o-w-l-y. And you see each individual brown drop and have to wait the for the pitter patter of, in this case, frog leg juice? And the legs themselves are spinning with that _whumph whumph _sound? Kinda like a helicopter?

Yeah, it was like that.

We both had to turn away and wait for the impending splatter. Quatre even had his eyes closed.

And suddenly –

"What the hell is all the noise abo – ACK!"

**7:02**

Just finished handwashing Wuffer's clothes. Frog leg juice is a real bitch to get out of white clothing.

**7:04**

What the hell was he thinking, walking into the kitchen at the exact moment the legs would land on him?

And why do I have to do the washing and not Quatre?

**7:05**

All right, I laughed a little.

**7:06 **

Fine, maybe not a little.

**7:10**

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. The look on his face was priceless. I wish I had a camera.

**7:47**

Broccoli Boy's cooking since Quatre's too stroppy to cook without his precious legs.

Guess what we're eating. No really. Guess.

**7:54**

I don't think I can take vegetables for much longer. Really. I might _turn _into a vegetable. You know, the sort of people who just sit there and drool?

**7:55**

I think I should do that, just to give the others a shock. But since I'm a vegetable, Tro' would want to keep me in the fridge with his beloved brocolli.

**7:56**

Wait, does rabies cause cannibalistic habits in people?

What if Quatre's planning to eat me in my sleep?

**8:01**

"Duo, I'm sorry about the whole fro-"

"DON'T EAT ME!" I shrieked as I threw a lampshade at him.

**8:06  
Now in locked in bedroom**

Is it possible for Quatre to actually _ground _me? Because I don't think he can. Isn't he younger than me?

**8:07**

He grounded me though. That's what matters. Shows who your real friends are.

**8:08**

No, wait! He _grounded _me, so I'd get bored and so I'd _sleep _and then he'd come in and _eat _me with his crazy cannibal friends.

That can't be right.

**8:09**

Can it?

**8:34**

I've finished booby-trapping my room for protection against cannibals.

**8:35**

Hm, now that I think about it, I don't really need the tear gas do I? I better take that down.

Where did I put that ladder?

**8:43**

As I was deactivating the tear gas in the doorframe, the door opened from beneath me. The ladder was knocked over.

I automatically fell forwards, not wanting to land on my back or to be trapped underneath the ladder, which turned out to be a bad idea anyway since my forehead slammed against the wall with a loud _thunk _and I saw stars erupt in my vision.

The floor rushed towards me and I thought, '_I hope I'm concussed. Then I won't remember all this.' _

Strong arms managed to catch me before I could hit my head a second time.

I'm pretty sure it was Heero, but I can't be sure since his face was dissolving into lots of pretty…black…spots…

**Haven't a clue about the time**...

I was in the middle of making straw hats for the pink toads outside. Then an obscenely fat, naked man told me to stop it otherwise he'd fart in my face.

I said, "Bring it."

He turned around I immediately regretted my decision. I was faced with the most horrible, hairy butt I have ever dreamt of.

He farted on my face and it was like a fucking hurricane. My cheeks were rippling from the gust and my eyes rolled backwards. I fell over, twitching. His fart cloud was…orange?

As I was recovering from _that _he grabbed a pillow from behind his back, don't ask me where, and he pushed it on my face and sat on it so I was stuck with a three ton man on my head and the smell of wet nappies. I thrashed, but he wouldn't budge. He suddenly started playing the flute.

Suddenly he was gone and all the toads were singing, _For he's a jolly good fellow _and they were carrying Trowa, the Broccoli King, towards me on their shoulders.

Trowa looked at me regally and said, "Stalking is the sincerest form of flattery."

"No it's not," I replied. "Think of Relena."

He blinked at me and pointed his broccoli scepter at me. "You are her."

I looked down and screamed. "I'M A GIRL!"

"Not just any girl," Trowa said helpfully. The toads were singing _The yellow submarine. _

Blonde hair, pink dress, FUZZY EYEBROWS AND A WIDE FOREHEAD.

Is it possible to faint in dreams? 'Cause I think I did.

**9:32 am  
Two days after falling off the ladder**

I shot up in bed shrieking my ass off until Wufei bellowed, "SHUT THE HELL UP MAXWELL."

I stopped screaming and frantically grabbed my crotch. I sighed in relief. Duo junior was still there and the ribbons in my hair had gone.

"We didn't castrate you in your sleep you know," Wufei muttered from my side. "Although it would help the world a lot as we'd save it from your demented spawn."

I bopped him on the head, but nearly passed out again due to the wave of nausea that flooded my system. For the first time, I noticed that I was in hospital.

"What happened?" I asked, still swaying a bit.

"Concussion," Wufei replied flatly. "Well done idiot. What were you doing anyway?"

"I sincerely can't remember," I said cheerfully. "But it must have been something stupid."

"You placed a ladder against a door and, surprise surprise, it was knocked over." He sighed. "You are an idiot. They had to drill a hole in your head to release some of the blood. So you're off missions for a while. You should be fine in about a month and no strenuous activity until you've recovered. You understand?"

"Gotcha."

The door opened and Quatre bounded in, nearly reduced to tears. "I'm so sorry," he wailed. "If I hadn't grounded you then this wouldn't have happened."

Both Wufei and I blinked.

"You _grounded _him?"

"You _grounded _me?"

Everyone hates me. I can see it. Even Trowa the Broccoli king and his army of toads laughed at me.

Wufei burst out laughing and Quatre coloured. "Yes," he said, shamefaced. "But you were just getting _so _obnoxious that I thought it might be a good idea to let you cool off a bit. Especially after the whole Relena incident with the pictures."

Wufei was still laughing his ass off so I hit him again.

"Ahahaha, you got grounded!"

Asshat.

**9:45**

Apparently I have one more day at hospital and I'm moving into a ward with other people in it. Oh joy. Joyitty joyiity joy. As long as the people there are easy to get along with, I'll be fine.

Why do I have this sense of foreboding deep within my stomach then?

* * *

**AN **Thanks to **Nightshadesister**, **Chocolateriku**, **the sadistic homicidal child**, **PrincessWolfGoddess**, **J-chan8**, **Yanagi Megumi**(Yes I am looking in your head. I know where you live. _-Manic laughter-_), **Serenity** **Maxwell** and **Gigglegal** for reviewing. I love you all!  



	4. goodbye, cruel, shoelaceless world

**Summary**: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

**Disclaimer**: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

**AN** First off, I must thank Serenity Maxwell for accidently giving me the most fabulous idea in the universe. A big fat thank you to her. And second...there is no second. To those who didn't read the author note in the first chapter, there is going to be shounen-ai. Okay? Got it? Didn't feel like putting that in the summary since I didn't feel like I should have to. If you read a book and someone turns out to be gay, do you stop? I should hope not. That's my mini rant over.

* * *

**Have you hugged your God of Death today?**

**Chapter four:…goodbye, cruel, shoelaceless world**

* * *

**12:00**

**Hospital, STILL in private room**

For the love of St. Peter's fire hydrant, when am I leaving this room?

**12:03**

Do doctors conspire against their patients and actually _try _to bore them to death so that they could have fun playing Operation with dead bodies?

**12:04**

What kind of sicko designed that game anyway? What's with the red nose? Who would stick a pencil inside their arm? Or an ice cream in the brain? I guess they thought it funny to play on words. Writer's cramp. Brain freeze. Ha ha ha. Not.

If they really wanted kids to learn something, they'd use proper kidney stones. Or… I don't know. I heard that hairballs are a bad problem for the stomach.

**12:06**

Why can cats cough up hairballs and we can't? That would have been handy as a kid. I remember being fed milk of magnesia to make me throw up the hair that I swallowed from sucking on my braid too much.

**12:08**

Ah, I still remember Father Maxwell's face when I vomited on his black robes. The hairball looked like a dead wet hamster and was about as appealing as one. He had chucked the hairball away and it landed on some other kid's head who shrieked and threw it at someone else.

It erupted into a game of '_catch the hairball'_ soon after that. Kinda like _'Hot Potato'. _

**12:10**

Or '_hot wet dead hamster'_.

'_Hot hairball'_ doesn't seem to have the same ring to it.

**12:15**

Bored, bored, bored. Boredy boredy bored. I don't even have shoelaces to hang myself with.

Rudity.

**12:17**

Might as well re-braid my hair. It's a total mess. Ho hum.

**12:21**

Ack, this is not going very well. My head bandages have fallen off and it damn kills trying to tie them back on. They're probably in the wrong place anyway.

**12:23**

Is that…blood?

**12:25**

Oh God, I think my ears are bleeding. Eugh, it feels disgusting. Like there's water in my ear, except it's warm and sticky.

And it's probably slowly killing me. Goodbye, cruel, shoelaceless world.

**12:30**

As I was quickly scribbling out a will, someone knocked on the door. "Come in!" I called, wondering who to leave my coffee machine to.

Heero came in and leaned against the wall. "You are an idiot," he said dryly.

"Funny," I shot back lightly. "I seem to be getting that a lot today. I wonder why." I crumpled up the list and threw it at him. I missed. Bastard.

Heero suddenly frowned and moved towards the bed. "Is that blood?" he said, looking at my ear.

"Um…yeah. I guess so." No really. Red liquid coming out of my ear? Whatever could it be?

"You should get that checked out. Could be a sign of another fracture."

He was suddenly very close, inspecting my other ear and my eyes, turning my head this way and that. His fingers grazed the back of my head when he was turning it again and I hissed in pain.

"What the hell have you done with your bandage?" he said, sounding slightly pissed off that I had yet again made a _dreadful _cockup.

"It fell off!"

He sighed, frustrated. Hey buddy, you're not the one with blood coming out of your ear.

"I'll redo it then." He took the poorly placed bandage off my head and I twitched as he accidentally touched the wound left from the operation I had.

He was hesitating, which was getting quite annoying since the open air against it was starting to sting. "Well?" I prompted.

"I'll…I'll have to touch your hair."

Oh. That. I flapped my hand.

"Just do it. But don't tell anyone."

He redressed the wound quickly and cleanly. Much better than my poor attempt. His fingers lingered on the bandage and he said, noticing that my hair was still undone, "Do you want me to braid your hair for you?"

What was I? A cripple?

"It's fine, I'll do it," I said, shifting so that the back of my head wasn't facing his anymore. It was then I realized how close my head was to his.

His breath smelt like banana. Charming.

I wrinkled my nose. "You smell like a monkey Heero."

"Hn."

"No more hn-ing. Help me escape goddammit."

How can he just laugh in my face like that?

**2:30pm **

**MOVING ROOM FINALLY**

Oh God. Oh Goddy Goddy God. This is too good to be true.

Guess who I'm sharing a room with. No really. Guess.

**2:32**

"Greetings Mr. Wrinkly"

"YOU!"

**2:35**

"So, why did you get fired?"

"Because you trashed Miss Relena's car!"

"Did I?"

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"Did I?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"YES!"

"Oh…right. Hey, did I mention I have concussion so I'm prone to forgetting things instantly and tend to repeat questions?"

"…you failed to mention that."

"Oh. Okay. Hey, why did you get fired again?"

I will crack him. I WILL. He will be gibbering like a monkey by the time I done.

**2:47**

Jesus, he looks pretty rough. Cuts and bruises everywhere. Even I wouldn't have like to mess with whoever mangled him up like that.

**2:49**

You know, I kinda feel sorry for him.

**2:50**

Nah, not really.

**3:01**

"BOTOLF, THINK FAST," I yelled as I flung a water filled latex glove at him. You know. The gloves that surgeons use when sticking their hands in people's bodies?

He woke up pretty snappish, but not snappish enough to catch the water glove.

It's his own fault if he gets wet. He should have had faster reactions.

**3:02**

Wtf?

**3:03**

Botolf brought his arms down from the protective stance and we both stared at the glove.

Why the hell didn't it burst? Impossible. I didn't just throw it. I _hurled _it. Hard-ish. To make sure that it would burst. But it didn't.

I gulped and backed away.

"You're in for it now brat," he sneered, picking the glove up carefully.

He threw it at me, cackling madly.

**3:04**

And missed, rather pathetically. "You know," I said critically, eyeing the puddle on the floor. " You probably couldn't hit the ground if it wasn't for gravity."

"Shut up brat."

Hey, I think I'll make another water glove. Just to surprise Wrinkly, who thinks it's all ove-SHIT.

I hit the ground. Stars. Not again.

**Haven't a clue about the time…**

"Crap," I said, looking upwards at the green sky. "Not again."

Something hit my shoulder and I turned around. A baseball with a face lay on the ground, smirking at me. Disturbing…

"Hey," it said. "Whose cruel idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp' huh? Was it you?"

"Yes," I replied automatically. "It was I."

The baseball hmmed. "Well," it said sadly. "If you do succeed, try to not to look astonished."

"Righto."

"See you around." It hopped away.

The fat man suddenly lumbered up, now dressed in a toga. "I'll fart on you," he threatened.

"Bring it!" I replied.

He bent over and –

**6:02**

What the hell is it with me and this fat guy? Thank you God for waking me up.

I hate the fact that you can't control what you say in dreams. Well, in this dream at least. I remember once I told Wufei in a previous dream to '_Go now or forever hold your pee.' _

**6:03**

Apparently I slipped on the wet water on the ground. That's what knocked me out. How lame.

Now my vision's a bit funny and Bololf's little beard looks like the hairball I threw up years ago.

**6:15**

**Dinner**

Hospital food. Again, this leads to my theory of doctors trying to kill us. Botolf and I both looked down at our food and said, "Eugh."

Wow. Not even a prissy like him would eat it.

**6:20**

I think I saw our food move.

**6:25**

There is NO way I'm eating this. "Come on Botolf old buddy," I said, opening the window and hurling the contents of my plate outside. "This is no way to live. Look!"

I gingerly crouched down on the floor and pulled out a box from under my bed. "Food parcel!" I said gleefully.

I love Quatre.

**6:26**

I also love Quatre's money.

**6:30**

"So," I said, munching on a chocolate flapjack. "Why were you working for Relena? You like her?"

"What? That bint? Goodness no." He tore the wrapper off a fruit bar. "Always sticking her nose into other people's business, then broadcasting it at her social gatherings." He mimicked Relena's high voice. "Oh you did see Botolf my chauffeur? Yes, I just found out that his sister works as a pornography actress. Shocking, isn't it? Ahahaha." He bit viciously into his fruit bar.

Guilt.

Guilt guilt guilt. Ok, maybe naming him Botolf the Porn Star in my head wasn't the nicest thing to do.

"But my sister had to do it, see? We needed money for the family."

Guilt guilt guilt…Shut up head! I'm guilty enough as it is. I don't need your help.

**6:45**

And through our hate of hospital food, we became friends.

**7:00**

There was a knock on the door. "Gentlemen," the nurse said as she opened the door. Botolf and I looked up from our game of snap. "You have another roommate."

"Cool," I said, trying to see past the nurse. "What's-"

No. NO.

**7:01**

"Miss Relena has been badly attacked by hornets so try your best not to disturb her."

Relena saw me. I saw her.

"EUGH," I said, seeing her stings all over her face. She looked grotesque. Like someone had melted her face with a flame thrower.

"YOU!" she shrieked back.

"Hey, I have a name you know," I replied cattily.

There was no need for words. Her icy look was enough. Oh well. It doesn't matter. I'm leaving tomorrow anyway.

Botolf must have thought of the same thing. "_Bastard_," he said telepathically to me. He glared at me.

"_Shut up ya prune," _I replied in my mind.

Still. No matter. AHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I'm leaving tomorrow!

**7:04**

"Oh, and Mr. Maxwell?" the nurse said as she turned to leave. "I'm afraid that you'll be here for another three days or so. When you slipped on the floor, the doctors are worried that you jarred something so they'll have to do some scans on you tomorrow. "

**7:10**

What?

No. NO.

Did she say that I have to stay a few more days? That can't be right.

**7:11**

Can it?

**7:13**

Botolf's laughing at me. "I thought I told you to shut it," I said out loud.

"No," he said in between sniggers. "No you didn't."

I swear. That guy's crazy.

* * *

**AN** Another chapter done and dusted. While typing this up, I've been bitten by mosquitoes about five or six times. See what I have to suffer to make sure that this chapter is out on time? 

I've realized that some people don't want a review reply everytime they review. If you want me to stop just leave a note. Likewise, if you want a note, LOG IN. Leaving short notes in the thank yous don't mean much.

Thanks go to **SERENITY MAXWELL**, **chocolateriku**, **Gigglegal & Bro**(Thank you!), **Killiara**, **PrincessWolfGoddess**, **yanagi megumi**(Quatre was creepy. But so what.), **Brandi Karma**, **the**** sadistic homicidal child** and **Vitane Tora** for reviewing.


	5. what the hell is this drabble?

**Summary**: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

**Disclaimer**: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

**AN**: Thank God for anime music videos. They keep me eternally amused. Um…answers to questions.

_But why does Duo say that they bonded over the hate of hospital food, but them he kinda glares at Duo when Relena comes in?_

I guess it wasn't too clear. Duo was going to leave the hospital in a day, leaving Botolf (or Botlof or Boltof. I swear, his name changes every time.) alone with _her_. He would be annoyed, not at Duo personally but annoyed nonetheless. So the wrinkly glare comes into place. –_shrug- _I glare at my friends when they leave me alone to face an unappealing member of staff at school. Or that little girl who stalks me. –_shudder-_

_P.S - i've never actually had to stay in a hospital, but is the food really that bad?_

It's probably not that bad. My mom told it me it wasn't that exciting. But you know how people over exaggerate about school food, airplane food, etc etc. It was just a cliché. Plus, Duo's probably been used to eating Quat's food for a while and hospital food compared to that is quite…eugh. But then again, Duo was a street rat when he was younger and he would probably know the value of food so he _shouldn't _have thrown it away if he was in character…

Ack, it's not that big a deal. Now I'm confused and will be cross-referencing everything I write. Maybe you _were_ too young to know the difference. Ice cream is ice cream.

Onwards!

* * *

**Have you hugged your God of Death today? **

**Chapter five:...what the hell is this drabble?**

**

* * *

9:00pm  
In hospital stuck with the armpit-licking pink weed.**

Karma. That has to be it. The Buddha is punishing me because I pushed her car down the hill and because I filled that sheep head with insect attractant. So now she's inside the same hospital dorm with me. WHY?

Oh well, if the world didn't suck, we'd fall off. Same kind of applies with the colonies. And vacuum cleaners.

**9:02**

Why is the Buddha only taking notice of me now? Plus, I did all that stuff for a good cause. Relena was harassing Heero and the only good way to get here out was to trash her car. And shouldn't Karma bite her ass as well as mine seeing as she put us Gundam Pilots in a compromising position with her idiocy?

Looking at her swollen face, I decided that Karma is my friend after all.

**9:13**

Then why didn't it kick in when Wufei hospitalized me by breaking my leg in two places because I had replaced his shampoo with volume mousse or some other girly crap?

If Karma really existed, then shouldn't he be stuck as Treize's sex slave for a day?

**9:14**

Actually, knowing him, he might actually enjoy that.

**9:15**

Ahahahaha. His head looked like a shiny triangle. Note to self: must do that again sometime. I'll buy some mousse once I get out of here.

**9:30**

Hey! Miss Relena seems to have fallen asleep. Oh joys of the world! Do they have a permanent marker in here?

**9:31**

NO! Must. Not. Prank. Karma karma karma. Ohhhmmmmm.

**9:32**

"Duo." Botolf looked at me with a sly grin. "There's whipped cream inside your food parcel."

Temptations temptations. Will not listen to the devil.

I gritted my teeth. I will not do it. Otherwise the Buddha will hate me.

**9:34**

Maybe my dreams are a sign from him. Maybe the fat man represents the Buddha and if I prank Miss Relena, he'll fart a great orange cloud of doom upon me.

What does the baseball mean then? And the toads and Trowa as king? No. It's too random. I refuse to believe that my dreams actually have even a sliver of meaning or truth in them. They are just scary figments of my imagination that putt around in my head while I'm asleep.

**9:36**

Sleep. Sleep is the only escape for me. Escape from Relena's horrifyingly mutilated head and from Botolf, whom I know shall force me into throwing her underwear into a freezer or out the window onto a telephone line.

I shall hold out. I am a good person.

**9:38**

I could tie her ankles together and yell, "FIRE!" really loudly in her ear.

**9:40**

SLEEP!

**9:43**

Zzzzzzzzzz.

**9:45**

Goddamn, this is not working. I can't help but glance over at her and then my mind does all the work for me. I have an odd longing to put her hand in warm water.

Oh gods, why am I so immature?

**9:50**

Aww, sweet (not). She fell asleep reading something. What's that in her hand?

**10:02pm**

Ehgads. _'The Complete Guide to Karma Sutra.'_ That's…interesting. A sex guide. Fabulous. Now I'm never going to get to sleep with that…interesting idea inside my mind.

**9:20am  
The next day**

Eurgh, I feel like something just died in my mouth. Not a nice thing to wake up to. Relena has her check up with the doctors now, I think. And I have a feeling that a nurse or something is pushing Botolf around the garden in a wheelchair.

I'm all alone, lying on my bed of imaginary nails.

**9:23**

I'm all alone, lying on my bed of imaginary nails _and _flicking through Relena's sex guide.

**9:38**

Scary. Absolutely horrifying. And most of this seems physically impossible. Note to self: Never try this with a heavy partner.

If, to say, I ever get a chance to try it seeing as at this rate, I won't be alive long enough due to all the freakin' concussions I keep getting.

**10:02**

'_The Cobra position_

_If, as you lean against the wall, your lady twines her thighs around yours, locks her feet to your knees, and clasps your neck, making love very passionately'_

What the hell is this drabble?

'_Erect from her hisses, it is eventually ready to act. Then, like a snake, the beauty turns around, slithers and coils up among the cushions.'_

Relena _enjoys _reading this?

**10:06**

Hey look! They've got pictures!

**10:08**

I _must _not mention this to Miss Relena. Otherwise she will kill me. Then I'll be dead.

**10:09**

Then I'll never have the chance to try out the dog position, which sounds quite fun.

**11:30**

Relena came back, face as puffy as ever.

"Hey Miss Cobra," I said, a sly grin splitting my face. "You gonna slither on to your bed?"

I snickered and ducked as Relena tried to hit me with a chair. She missed. Just as pathetically as Botolf did actually.

**12:12pm**

Botolf rolled back in with a rather silly grin on his face. "Nurse Clara is a lovely woman," he sighed. He was about to say something else, but this Nurse Clara person came in and helped him back into bed.

She was very pretty. A heart shaped face, chocolate coloured curls. Yes, I could see it happening. Botolf and Nurse Clara…Aside for the fact that she was old enough to be his granddaughter.

"Don't worry, we'll have you fixed up in no time," she informed him, tucking the covers around him. She turned to us. "Everything okay here?"

We nodded and she smiled and left. Botolf waved at her retreating back rather bashfully and sighed again.

**12:15**

Okay, it's going to be tough, but I must break it to him gently that Clara is far to young for him. Subtleness is really not my forte. Um…gently, gently…

**12:16**

"Botolf, you _cannot _be serious about liking her. It's disturbing."

Aw, gee. Cheers Relena. Ever heard of tact? Does she actually like making people miserable?

**12:17**

"Don't listen to her Botolf," I said. "She's just jealous that you have a raging love life while she…doesn't."

"I heard that Mr. Maxwell."

"Good."

"At least I'm not bisexual."

"At least I have twice the chance of getting dates on a Saturday."

"Ha ha. You're not funny."

"Shut up Cobra-girl."

**12:18**

"Remember Botolf." I was the epitome of seriousness. "Age only matters to cheese."

He laughed. "Ah, no. I just enjoy her company. It would be nice to have youth again though." He looked very sad for a moment, so I thought it appropriate to fling some raisins at Relena.

"He-hey! Stop it!"

"We need comic relief."

Got her in the eye! 200 points. W00T!

**12:30  
Lunchtime**

Oh gods above. Lunch. Ehgahd.

**12:35**

Out goes the hospital food, in comes the caffeine laden food package!

**12:37**

Speaking of food packages, aren't the guys gonna come visit at two o'clock today?

Relena Heero _equals _something not very good. (For both Heero and me.)

Ack! I must warn them!

**12:38**

I must do it discreetly as well.

**12:45**

Damn! I need money for the phones and I spent the last of it on raisins.

**12:52**

I guess making a sign wouldn't hurt.

**1:07pm  
Locked in bathroom with…devices. **

Botolf started banging on the bathroom door. "Duo! I need the toilet. What are you doing in there?"

"I'm almost finished!" I let him in, armed with a permanent marker and a smirk.

"Is that…a bed sheet on the floor?" he asked.

"Yup."

"What's that you've written? _All ye who enter, beware of Pink Wet Weed and…_ What do the Chinese symbols say?"

"Retarded melon."

"Ah."

"I'll just go and hang this out the window now."

"I'll help."

**1:34**

There! Relena was out of the room doing only god knows what and we managed to hang the sign outside our window. We did a pretty good job, if I may say so myself. Hopefully the guys will see it, be smart enough to realize what I'm talking about and go back home.

**1:56**

I place too much faith in them obviously. Heero phoned. "Duo, what hell is hanging out of your window?"

"Can't you read?"

"Wufei's too busy laughing to tell us. What does 'Wet Pink Weed' mean?"

"Heero, for someone so smart, you can be incredibly stupid sometimes."

"…" The bastard sounded indignant.

"Relena's here."

"What?"

"She's here. The fire breathing witch is here." I could see the guys in our car from where I was standing by the window. Trowa was driving with Heero in the front next to him. Wufei and Quatre had to be in the back.

"Why!"

"Um…she got stung by hornets."

"I'm guessing that you had something to do with it."

"Yep."

"You are an idiot."

"I know."

Suddenly I hear a squeal from next to me. Relena had suddenly appeared, her face pressed up right next to the glass. "Is that…Heero?" she said breathlessly.

"Yeah. If you run, you might be able to catch them." Reasons for ratting Heero out_: One_) he called me an idiot again. _Two_) Having this _never lie _thing can really suck. _Three_) I like watching her run. She runs with arms by her chest and her hands outwards as if getting a manicure. It's quite creepy actually.

And she was gone.

"Duo?" Heero was still on the phone, sounding quite nervous. "What was that about?"

"You guys better get moving," I said solemnly as I saw Relena burst out of the hospital doors and charge like a rhino towards the car. "She's there."

"Wha-Shit! Trowa, move, move, MOVE!" The car skidded around and zoomed away.

**2:15**

He's going to get me back so bad for that. I just know it.

**2:16**

Relena came back in with a star struck expression. "It's really too bad that they were late for something," she said. "Otherwise Heero could have talked to me."

"What were they late for?" I asked in an amused tone.

"I don't know. But seeing how fast they left must mean that they were really late."

It is quite sickening how stupid she is sometimes. Maybe she's just naïve, not stupid…

"Oh, can you hand me a tissue please?" she said suddenly. There weren't any tissues around so I gave her one of those Lemon Wipe things. The wet ones that smell nice.

**2:17**

She then rubbed her eye with it. My jaw dropped open as she started to scream with pain. Lemon wipes, as the name suggests, contains both lemons and ethanol, things that hurt when they come into eye contact.

Oh God, the stupidity is making my head hurt.

**2:18**

"Why," she gasped, rubbing her eye furiously. "Did you give me that one? I wanted to get rid of my eye makeup!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know that you were going to poke your eye out with it?"

"I asked for a tissue!"

"It was _wet_ idiot. Why would I give you a wet tissue if it wasn't a Lemon Wipe?"

"Because you're bisexual."

"…" Why the hell does it keep leading back to this? Oh well, no matter. She now has an angry red eye that matches with her puffy face.

She stormed to her bed.

**2:20**

She looks a real sight. I think I'll sell her to Trowa's circus, and see what happens.

* * *

**AN**: Is it just me or are these chapters getting less and less humorous? _-sigh-_

**I****MPORTANT.** If you don't read this, then you're a doofball. Got the attention? Good. I'm going to Mallorca and then to Cornwall so there will be no updates for two weeks. I'll update in the four days I have Internet and then there won't be updates for a further week.

Spread the love. Print the story out and stick it up in your local mall or something. Or put it in someone's mailbox. No don't actually, that could get me charged with some law.

Thanks to **Tonks42**, **Brandi Karma**, **In the realm of insanity, Serenity Maxwell, Z3ldA Wh4t, chocolateriku, the sadistic homicidal child, Gigglegal **(There are your lemon wipes. Hope they were used in the correct sense.),** yanagi megumi** (I hope I answered your questions well.), **Nightshadesister** (Hope your non-swear week is going well.), **Tallia** (No hospital bills can be forwarded to me. I take no responsibility for any injuries that occur while reading this story.) and **PrincessWolfGoddess** for REVIEWING.


	6. i have manboobs now

**Summary**: In order to prove that insanity really is catching, a peek into Duo's Diaries should do the trick. Watch as he breaks cold exteriors and frightens away mental soundness. And Relena. Definitely Relena.

**Disclaimer**: Gundam Wing does not belong to me.

**AN: **I am SO sorry for my lies. I said I'd update. I didn't. But now I have. Hurrah. School starts in a week for me. So yeah. Onwards!

* * *

**Have you hugged your God of Death today?**

**Chapter 6: I have manboobs now**

* * *

**10:31am**

Relena's eye doesn't seem to have shrunk very much. In fact, I think that the swelling is getting bigger. Her eye is about the size of a golf ball. Just because she rather unfortunately poked it with a Lemon Wipe.

Tough for her. My concussion is healing quite nicely, in fact, and I might be able to get out of here tomorrow if the scans go well.

**10:46**

I wonder who caught me when I fell off the ladder though. I have an inkling of whom it might be seeing as Heero and I are the only brunnettes in the house.

Or it might remain a mystery forever and ever.

**10:47**

Amen.

**10:55**

Ack, I am so friggin BORED. There is nothing to do. Once again, Botolf is out as he is infected with cooties and Relena is getting even more treatment for her stings. Sure, she may have been in excrutiating pain for the first few hours after the hornets attacked her, but that's about it really. It was even through her own fault.

**12:03**

**Still in hospital room, uninspired as ever. **

The whole gang's back, Relena's preening in front of a mirror and Botolf's gazing wistfully out of the window. She really is a horrific sight. Her eye looks like an extra growth on her face. And the stings don't seem to have gone down one bit either. I think they're there to stay actually.

If they don't go away, she'll have to live in a circus for the rest of her life because no one will be able to keep a straight face while talking to her. You'd either be laughing at her misfortune or throwing up.

Botolf is really not helping me taking my mind off her either. All he does now is just sit around and sigh all day. Gods above, what love does to old people. I always get worried that he might die of a heart attack every time Nurse Clara comes into the room.

He better get out of here soon, otherwise he'll go crazy. I mean it.

**12:05**

He's crooning softly to himself. What's that he's saying?

**12:06**

"Nurse Clara, you are a sex mousie. Oh yes you are. Oh yes."

**12:07**

Am I just a weirdo magnet or what? I am quite disturbed.

**2:04pm **

**VISITING TIME**

Botolf's sister came round to visit him. Dear God, she really _is _a prozzie. Instead of a skirt, she was wearing several belts held together dangerously by threads. Or maybe it was dental floss. I can never follow the modern fashions of today.

She had several kids with her and she unceremoniously dumped one in my lap as she went to greet Botolf. She kissed his cheek and said quietly, "I'll have to make this quick as I left the oven on and I'm not wearing any underwear."

Dear God, I feel like I'm trapped in an asylum for scary people. I need to get out of here.

**2:06**

The toddler sitting on me smelt rather pooey. He gazed up at me as I gingerly tried to shift him away. My eyes started to water. I hadn't smelt anything this bad since I went on the Special K diet and got loose bowels. THAT had been rather uncomfortable. Never again I say.

**2:08**

The kid crawled around on my lap for a few seconds, blinked his deceptivley large and innocent eyes at me and with more speed and grace than Wufei chasing after me, he leapt at my chest with his tiny hands outstretched and shrieked,

"BOOBIES!"

Oh goddy god god. Why? Whhhyyy?

**2:09**

Fabulous. I have manboobs now. Thanks kid.

It hurts even more that he's a kid. I mean, they're the most truthful little bastards aren't they? If they see something that looks weird, they'll go right ahead and say it.

Does this mean I'm fat?

**2:32 **

They finally left. Thank you. I for one, am never accepting a family invitation to dinner from Botolf. No matter HOW much his sister was checking me out. And his thirteen year old niece. And twenty year old nephew…

I'll just go retreat to under my bed.

**3:01**

Can I go home…now?

It's not like I've got any visitors or anything. And I'm not even driving anyone mad. If anything, it's me who's gonna have to be relocated to a mental asylum. Then in a couple of years, I'll be joined by G, who belongs in there anyway.

The future is not looking bright. Or orange.

**3:23**

Got a phone call. Mr. Chu wanted to know how I was doing.

"Fine fine," I said. "Except my roommates are less than…amusing."

"What's happened to them?"

"Well, the old man got beaten up by builders and Relena got eaten by hornets." I neglected to mention that both happened through my doing. Though knowing Mr. Chu and his creepy means of knowing _everything_, he probably knows this already."

"Clarinets? She got hit by musical instrument?"

"No Mr. Chu. Hornets."

"Hornet, hornet…Yes. I see. I know a good remedy for the stings! It should help the…how do you say?"

"Swelling. But I don't _want_ to help her."

"No problem, no problem. I'll be there right away."

"Mr. Chu - "

He hung up. Aww, he always does this. He's gonna turn up here with his beard in a braid, bringing some obscure artifact that will have magical healing powers from his ancestors. It'll probably be feacal matter from some long dead pet sheep in a jar of something.

The last time he tried to 'heal' me from my cold, I ended up with orange fingernails for three weeks and a funny taste in my mouth that just wouldn't go away no matter how many times I brushed.

**2:30**

Oh good Lord he's here. There will be screams in a minute. I can just tell.

**2:31**

He's wearing purple and orange. And a huge straw hat. It is perhaps the size of a fried ostrich egg. It also has mould growing on the top.

**2:32**

"Ah, Duo! Long time no see!" He pulled me into a tight bear hug.

…and something _moved underneath his jacket. _It prodded against my stomach.

"Ohmygod, what is that?" I leapt away with a disgusted look on my face.

Mr. Chu opened his jacket and pulled out perhaps the largest toad I have ever seen. Forget the jar with sheep crap, he brought a real live _toad _inside a hospital.

**2:34**

What kind of security does this hospital have? Someone could have walked in here with a bloody gun without anyone noticing. It is smaller and more compact than a toad. Plus it doesn't move or make loud noises.

This toad could scare small children.

**2:35**

"What on earth is that sou-" Relena finally took notice of who was at the door. "Oh Mr. Chu darling! How are you?"

Mr. Chu bowed his head slightly. "Miss Relena. So good to see you again."

Am I missing something here?

Before I could ask how on earth they knew each other, Mr. Chu plodded forward holding this toad in his hands.

As to be expected, Relena screamed like a little girl. Along with Botolf actually.

"No, no Miss Relena. This will _help _you. Keropi is a friend."

Keropi?

Mr. Chu is insane.

**3:35 – An hour later**

I'm in shock. I need to sit down for a moment.

**3:43**

Actually, it is quite funny when I think about it. It's shocking.

Mr. Chu had placed the toad down on her bed and Botolf had paused in his screaming to laugh at her. "No no, don't worry," Mr. Chu had told the hysterical girl. "He's going to help you with your affliction. Ancient Chinese method."

_That _had perked her up. "So this is a genuine archaic cure?" she asked, suddenly interested. "Does it work?"

"Of course of course!" Mr. Chu had reassured her. "Now go to sleep!" Quicker than a nun running away from a brothel, he moved forwards and threw something in her face. She had sneezed, and dropped like a log.

"Um…" I had said, watching from my own bed. "Is she going to be ok?" Not that I cared really. She could have been shoved of a cliff edge and I wouldn't have blinked.

Actually I would have. I would have counted how long until she made a splash.

Mr. Chu bird flapped his hand at me. So _that's _where I got it from. "Yes yes, she's sleeping. She won't like to be awake for this cure."

It was at that point I thought, _'In the name of Zech's Barbie set, what is going to happen?' _I saw what happened. And was in shock. Just as I am now.

Mr. Chu whipped out a jar full of cream and started applying it to her face and her hair. Already, this set off alarm bells in my head.

"Um…Mr. Chu? I thought you are supposed to be treating the stings. Not her hair."

He shrugged. "It said so in the instructions."

Oh. Right. Fair enough.

After covering her in this white stuff to his satisfaction, he picked the toad up and placed it on her head. The toad shifted for a bit, trying to get comfortable.

"So…what now?" Botolf piped up from his corner. He had been watching in morbid fascination.

"Shhhhh. Waaaiiit," Mr. Chu had shushed him with a breathless whisper.

The toad moved forward, dipped its warty head, and started to _lick the cream off her. _The tongue also had warts on it.

At that point, I was glad I was sitting on a bed. I would have collapsed if I wasn't. Either from laughter, disgust or pure wtf factor.

"Hey," Mr. Chu waved at me to get my attention. It was hard since I was too busy staring speechless at the toad that was eating cream off her.

"Uh…yeah?" I said, my eyes not leaving her unconscious form.

"I need the bathroom."

"Down the hall."

Mr. Chu left us alone with this toad thing on top of Relena's face.

"Well," Botalf said in a strangled tone. "I hadn't been expecting _this _when I woke up this morning."

I'd have to say I agreed with him.

**4:02**

Relena's still out cold. The toad and Mr. Chu are thankfully gone. Thank you.

**4:03**

What _was _that? Who in their right mind would come up with a cure that involved a toad licking cream off of your skin? What has become of the world? Must remember never to mention any sickness to Mr. Chu. Nothing at all.

It was quite funny when Mr. Chu had asked Botolf whether he needed any help. Botolf had moved physically away from the Chinese man. I thought for a moment that he was going to jump out of the window.

At least I have pictures of the incident. Hellooooo blackmail.

**4:04**

This also has to go into our photo album. It deserves to be shared with everybody anyway. To hell with it.

**4:15**

Phone call!

"Hello?"

"Duo?"

I was surprised. "Mr. Chu! Did'ya forget something?" There was an off tone to his voice as if he had just found out he had picked up the wrong baby from the hospital. This _can't _be good.

"I made a slight error."

"Oh?" I was insanely curious. "And…"

"Miss Relena…she'll have to wear a wig for a while."

…oh. OH. I see.

Now this is just priceless.

"She'll also have to draw her eyebrows on," Mr. Chu added.

He hung up. There was an insane grin on my face.

I told Botolf, "Miss Relena will be joining you in your hometown of Baldville!"

He was not amused. Honestly, it's the thought that counts. He tried to hit me with the potted cactus in the corner of the room.

**5:12**

I heard the most beautiful words of my life today. "Mr. Maxwell?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"You're going home."

SCOOOORREEE.

* * *

AN I'm **really **not happy with this chapter. Whatever happened? I started off great with this story and now it's slowing rolling downhill. I should probably stop so that I don't ruin the first chapters. Arghhhh. Btw, the toad idea, Sophie dreamed it up. Blame her. And blame Shinigami Goumon. She requested it. _:grin:_

**Note: **I'm a shameless person, so I'm gonna advertise my new DeviantArt account to everyone on my fics. Ah ha. Ah ha ha. Check out passado.deviantart. com. With the http and stuff before hand. I'll love you forever. No jokes.

Thanks to **Maskelle, DustBunnyQueen, Nike Femme, kiallie, JMJV, VampyNeo, HevenSentHellBroken, In the realm of insanity, mugen no ankoku, Skye, Gigglegal, Brandi Karma, Serenity Maxwell, yanagi megumi, PrincessWolfGodess, Bri, the sadistic homicidal child, Vitanie Tora, Z3ldA Wh4t, chocolateriku, Lady11Occult, J-chan8, Nightshadesister, Shinigami Goumon **for reviewing.

That's a lot. Really. I'm very pleased with that. Mallorca was full of hornets in case anyone was interested.


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